|photo credit: TamD Photography|
I know I have been sporadic with my blogging but I have been waddling in self pity and shame. I’m shameful because I let someone tear down my self esteem. I haven’t been able to really talk about it because I felt so numb about the situation. Here I have been encouraging people to love themselves feel sexy and don’t care about what others say about them when I was getting cussed out & ignored by someone I love so much. Sometimes as Ladies we can love some so much that it is hard for us to see they are toxic to our mind and spirit. We choose to ignore the pain because somewhere along the way we have just learned to live with the pain. When that person gives us a little attention or love we cling to it so desperately because we pray that one day they would love us like we love them. We change who we are and we do everything in our power to make them happy. We are willing to let our dreams aspirations go just to be with them.
I did this for a person. I listen to him tell me I was the person who should have been his wife and if I was his wife he wouldn't be going through so much pain. I listened to this and took some of the blame because I felt like he needed healing and I just wanted to be supportive. I listen to his grips about me from our previous relationship because I recognize my short comings and wanted to correct them. I took our re-connection as an opportunity from God to make things right. I supported him through his deployment of Afghanistan all of 2013 and part of 2014. I was super proud of myself because I worked very hard to show him. I was ready and capable of supporting him and his dreams. I was expecting to be rewarded for all my hard work and support. Just when it look like we work through our issues and was on the same page, things flipped. I felt like something was snatch from me. I was told I was unattractive and he didn't want me. Even after I pointed out all this stuff I did for him, because he asked me too. He so easily dismissed me. He acknowledged what he did to me but at the end of the day he didn't care and he didn't want me. I didn't get mad or angry but I became numb… I asked God not to feel anything. I didn't want cry one tear but of course I did cry. In that moment I realize there was nothing I could have ever done to make this person happy. I vowed to myself he was the last person I would make an investment in without them making an investment in me first.
I ain’t going to lie…It was a major blow to myself esteem. This is not a random person but a person who has been a really close friend since I was 9. He knew all the intricate parts of me. He got me and I got him. I told people his words were a flesh womb. I didn't miss a beat but in reality my heart was bleeding out on the floor. I was getting up every morning taking strides with my dreams. I started designing t-shirts and working on an online business but at night alone I would replay his words over and over in my head. I traded in my infused water for peach sodas and chocolate shakes. I basically stopped working out. I was like what is the point no one is going to find me attractive anyway. I had started to buy into the person foolishness.
Thankfully I have a solid foundation in Jesus Christ. I don’t talk about the my relationship with Jesus on here too often but it is very important to me and vital part of who I am. A part of becoming healthy is making sure my spirit is healthy. If I didn't have a relationship with Jesus, I would have drowned in my sorrows. I refuse to allow this person to take another thing from me. I made a promise to myself that I would not Die Here! He would not kill my dreams my aspiration or my self esteem. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I was created in the image of God and he is well please with me. Remembering these things about God help restored my confidence in myself.
Here are some things that help me regain my confidence back
Get back to the Core of Who You are--- I had to remind myself why I started this journey in the first place. I am beautiful and just because He could recognize it doesn’t mean some other man wasn’t.
I love me and this is why…- I had to remember why I love me.
Some of the changes I made for him weren’t all bad…I become more focused on my health because of him and I wanted to keep those changes and continue to grow.
When a person loves you they will accept you for who you are flaws and all
Never be with someone who makes you dim your light.
Recognize Takers- Takers take! It is their job to take from you and get what they need. The leave your presences feeling full and on cloud ten, but you leave their presence feeling drained and empty. We shouldn’t have high expectations for Takers. I learned from this situation to make a minimum investment in Takers!
CLOSE THE DOOR!!- This person will never be allowed in my life ever again. I hold no grudges against him. I just love me more.
FORGIVE FORGIVE FORGIVE- do this for yourself not the other person. The sweetest revenge on a person is living a better life. Un-forgiveness keeps you trapped in the pain and unable to move forward. It is like letting that person get the best of you over and over.
|photocredit: TamD photography|