Seven years ago I had emergency surgery. I had my appendix taken out. While in the process of this surgery the doctor discovered I had cysts which had ruptured on my right ovaries. The ruptured cysts were the cause of my appendix being infected. If I had not come in at the time I did, I would have died. I am still at awe because normally that particular weekend I would have been at my college Alma Mater’s Homecoming. I would have never gone to the hospital and I would be dead.
Because of the cyst, the doctors had to remove my right ovaries. When I woke up my life had changed. The fact I don’t have my right ovaries have been a source of shame for me. Anyone who knows me knows I’ve always wanted to have children. When I heard this news, my dream of children was devastated. I was told I could have kids but not to wait too long well that was 7 years ago. I still don’t have children of my own yet. I let this shame overtake me. I wouldn’t talk about it to anyone. Most times I would just cry to myself and let the worry take me over. I was afraid to date people. I was afraid to tell them of the possibility I couldn’t have children. Because of my refusal to talk to someone, I had let fear and shame eat away at me for years. When I realized I had nothing to worry about, I had balloon up to 280lbs. The worst thing about this weight gain is my ex saw me at my largest. (YIKES) Luckily he didn’t judge me but it did spark a much needed conversation. I was able to share my fears with him. I appreciate that he listen and saw things from my perspective. God used him to help me heal. Don’t listen to people who say you should never go back to an ex. Each situation is different. People grow and mature.
I am sharing a piece of my story to encourage others and to educate some. I know we all have our share of problems that keep us from being the best person we can be. Just like I had become almost 300lbs, I try not to judge people on their journey. No one knew I was holding hurt fear and shame in me. You can’t look at person and know what they are going through. Over the past seven years, I have been judged because of my size. I have been overlooked, looked past and some looked straight through as if I didn’t exist. I know the pitfalls of being larger. I also know the joys of fighting for my self esteem and loving myself despite how others may have judged me. I know I am on this journey for me and me alone. I appreciate the help I have been given along the way. When deciding to get healthy, make sure it about YOU! My health journey has been about breaking FREE!!! I am breaking free of all labels been placed on me. I am re-defining Jacqueline Lynnette Harris through Jesus Christ, family and friends. It is a wonderful feeling to come into my own.
It is time to face the things that has you trapped in Fear and Shame. It is time deal with the tough things. Shake off the labels people have placed on you. Re-write your story. Up until now, you have been writing the first draft. It is still more than enough time for re-writes. I am re-writing mine. I have opened myself to love. Just because I don’t have children of my own right now doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy my nieces, nephews and god-children. I can marry a man with children and love his children as my own. My personal belief is if Sarah can have a baby at 99, I am still on schedule to have children of my own. Whatever you are refusing to face, it is showing up in your body. It is not going anywhere until you face it.
Until Next time…Continue to Be PHAT